Well....so yesterday...the landlord came and wouldn't you know it the circut breaker needs replaced just like i said. Still hasn't been DONE but at least the first step is taken.
Casey came over...the news for him and i doesn't seem to be wonderful. He is very afraid of being tied down. He also isn't in a position in his life where he is comfortable...because he got into a bad car accident...only had liablity insurance and is now trying to make two car payments...on top of having been out of work and in the hospital.
He isn't happy with me paying for stuff even though i have no issue with it. i got upset with him last night because he is so hard on himself and won't accept help without beating himself up....but that didn't make the situation better...so i guess i should have just kept my mouth shut.
Here is the thing though....i REALLY like him and i want to date him. He is so worried that i am trying to put my hooks in him and tie him down....he's afraid i expect him to love and spend time with my family RIGHT NOW...he thinks i am upset that he is busy gaming...he is worried that because i think the man should be the head of the home...with a 49/51 split...we are too different and want different things.
i want to be supportive and be a place he can come to and relax and not have to think or deal with things that bother, upset or stress him. i find it very attractive that he is so concerned about finances and getting comfortable again. i hate that he is so hard on himself because it isn't like he was just stupid and did bad things...bad things HAPPENED to him...and how he is handling them is completely great...which is something he doesn't see so well.
i am frustrated because i am not sure how to proceed. He didn't say he didn't want to see me anymore. He didn't say he did either...LOL The thing is that i want a relationship...i don't NEED one. If he wants to be around then by all means i want him there...if he doesn't then i will handle that as well.
The fun has kinda been sucked out right now because now i am so aware of the fact he feels trapped...and it frustrates him he can't take me out like he wants...and he doesn't want me paying...so now i don't even get to have him over for pizza and a movie or anything because it'll make him sad he doesn't have money...i can't talk about what is important to me because then he feels like i expect him to jump into being close to my family....it adds fuel to the fire that we aren't right for one another.
i think he should just relax and enjoy time with me without putting so much pressure on it. We've been on 5 dates now for goodness sake...we don't need to decide our total relationships direction in 5 dates. Why not cross the be close to my family bridge when we come to it? Why borrow trouble? Why not cross the move from arizona bridge when he wants to actually move? Why not just enjoy dinner and not put the stress on either one of us about who paid for each morsel of food?
Relationships....should not be hard! Relationships should not cause lots of stress or they aren't worth it. Problem with my theory on relationships...is that Casey is TOTALLY worth it! i just wish i knew what to do to be supportive.
4 comments:
Hey Deb! I agree that relationships shouldn't be hard, but unfortunately they are. It's frustrating to try and ride the waves of romance as they ebb and flow. It's a challenge to find balance. Sounds like Casey is feeling very stressed and insecure right now. I'd say give him space if he needs it and if he needs a shoulder be there.
I went through this with my now husband of 13 years. He had done 2 years of college and had NO idea what he wanted to be. He resisted a relationship with me for a long time. There were many times when I thought things wouldn't work out for us, but look where we are now! :o)
This will work out for you if it's meant to be and hopefully, he will appreciate you sticking by him during a rough time in his life. Best wishes!!
Deb,
I totally agree with what you said. I think you guys should just relax and enjoy things with no pressure. You don't need to figure anything out right now or cross any bridges. It sounds like he is feeling totally pressured. However, from what you have said, it doesn't sound like you have done anything to make him feel that way. It sounds like you want to relax too. It seems to me that he has alot of issues and being with and around you,not because it is you, but because it is a "relationship", especially one on one, trigger these issues and he is totally stressed. And then you have no clue what went wrong. It also seems like he likes spending time with you or you wouldn't have had 5 dates already. He obviously likes you. It sounds like he is so afraid of a commitment and what he fears it will take away from him that he doesn't even want to talk about a next date, or dating exclusively, or even verbalize at all how he feels. Like he doesn't want to talk about it, yet it is driving him crazy. Not a fun place to be. I think your place is an even less fun place to be. Where you really care about someone, they have given you enough positive feedback to let you believe there is a future, and then totally pull away. Royce did that to me at one point. He was totally overwhelmed with the thought of the kids and living here forever and being tied down. But he loved me. He was very torn. He broke it off. Well, technically did. We were only "friends", and he would introduce me that way, but he was over every night. We never changed anything about us. I gave it time. Didn't push. Didn't insist on any commitment or even plans for the next day. I just took it day by day, moment by moment. Was thankful for the time we did spend together, but was in positive hell when we weren't cause I was totally left hanging in limbo. Slowly, he decided I was worth the commitment. Worth staying here, and worth giving alot of things up. I can not leave here for a long time because of the kids. He knew that. Eventually it all worked out. But it was hell for a long time. But worth it. I believe if you think you have found something special hold on to it will everything that you have. Because special doesn't happen every day. But you can't lose yourself or be the only one giving or compromise what is important to you either. It sounds like it is mostly his issues. Be that soft place for him. Above everything else be his friend. Guys are big and strong, and independent and capable. But they all want that safe, soft place to fall. That warm, confortable, safe place. If you are that place, and he really cares for you, anything else can be overcome. And it will if those two things exist. In time.
Guys have a need to provide. And he doesn't feel like he is when you buy things. But you want to cause you care about him. Thats hard too. Listen to what he is saying. But it isn't wrong to want to do nice things, like pizza, or day trips, for those we care about. I think he is lucky.
At least he isn't trying to mooch. There are too many guys like that.
Only one piece of advice. And you can ignore it completely. He sounds a little controlling. I could be wrong. But you are very independent and outspoken. Don't let anyone ever take that away or make you feel like you shouldn't be that way. You don't want to be tied to someone who controls your money, or finances, or purchases, or rent, or any of those things. You don't ever want to have to stay because someone else has financial control over you. Ever.
Maybe you should leave him alone for awhile. Don't be so available. You might be surprised how much he misses you. He might too. Make sure you are beautiful and stress free everytime he does see you. Don't always answer the phone. Start seeing other people, even if it is casually. Even if you have no intention of dating them. These things will all help him feel not so trapped. I hate that word. Sounds like a caged animal. Let him know the door is open, but that he may not be the only one visiting.
Thats my advice and prediction. He will miss you and will be around more. And might start being afraid of what life would be like without you, rather than being scared of being trapped.
It will be hell for you though. Just give it time. Relax and have fun. Love yourself most of all. Step away and think about what advice you would give your daughter. Don't treat yourself any different than you would want her to be treated.
Your doggie is adorable. I love the pictures. I've got to get my camera working so I can put pictures of the fam and everything else on here.
We gotta keep working out. Gotta keep each other motivated.
Peace
Actually, Deb from all the posts that you have written about your dates I believe you have a good head on your shoulders.
I think you want a particular type of relationship and you will settle for nothing less. Wich is good, I don't thik you will compromise the things that make you happy.
So here is my advice ( wich I really never give this advice to women ) follow your instincts, if it is good between ya'll go for it, if not my great-grandmother used to say "There is a lid for every pot".
Royce...what's this about not giving women the advice to follow their instincts? Ever hear of womans intuition? LOL...so i will take it as high compliment land that i got that advice and try to determine exactly what my instincts are. Well i already know...i wanna continue to date him...and i wanna have HIM comfortable while we do it. Now...if only i could control the world. (please insert pinkie and the brain theme song here)
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