Long weekend

It is about 5 am on Sunday and i am up...time is going so slowly this weekend. Now usually i would say time passing slowly on the weekend is a good thing...but not so much this weekend.

I found out this past week that my white cell count is much too high. Now it could be nothing but it also could be a big big something...a leukemia something. Monday i go for the second set of blood work to see if the first set was just off.

I didn't tell my family because i am tired of telling them bad news. My mom is in Scotland right now and she certianly doesn't need to have that weight on her shoulders while she is gone. My Dad just can't handle bad news and my sister...well...i guess i just don't want to say anything to anyone right now.

I did tell a couple close friends. It's been a long time since my friends have hurt me so badly. I feel so uncared for....unloved. If one of them came to me facing the very real possiblity they have luekemia i would make sure they weren't alone over the weekend. I would make sure they had something fun to do to keep their minds from what "iffing".

Not even one of my friends called me to check on me...so i called two of the three....and got one machine and a "can i call you back later Deb i am busy". After the second response i didn't have the nerve to try the third time.

Am i really that unimportant? It sure feels like i am. If it was just one friend i'd prolly pass it off as they have things going on themselves and realize i am just stressed and over sensitive. But all three of them?

Being sick and the possiblity of being sicker is really messing with my mind. What am i going to do? Because of the last 2 months i have no cash reserve whatsoever. i am barely making it by. I have about 2 more weeks of short term disability and I don't think lukemia can be cured in two weeks. After that runs out i will loose my job...and i won't have insurance....etc etc.

Beyond the basics of being able to afford to live...there is the whole possibility of death....or worse live in pain and sickness...put my family through more illness and worry...not get to see Eric grow up....it amazes me how emotional i get over the possibility of not being able to partake in the normal everyday things i didn't even know were important. Who will take care of my Rafiqe?

All i want to do is sleep....but of course i can't...i lay down and my mind what ifs away. i don't seem to be able to stop it.

I have got to keep busy. That is the only way i am going to survive the waiting. I hate waiting.

On a more postive note...my sister and her husband came over and dropped off their King size bed for me. It's huge! They got one of those sleep number beds....so they needed to get rid of their bed....and i being the Cooper family charity just happened to be accepting donations. Woo hoo. It's very comfortable. I've not actually fallen asleep in it yet....but have laid down on it and rolled around. woo hoo it's grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

Barb...yes family dynamics do change when someone is dying. People seem more able to put aside the petty issues and focus on what really matters. Sometimes it sticks...and things are better....sometimes it only lasts for a little while. I hope it lasts forever for you and your sister and mom. I've been thinking about and praying for you and your family.

Sharon....Michael is such a funny little man! .....i can totally see him asking the Pastor that. How did the baptism go? How were the recitals? Which family came in for it? How are things going without all the extra responsabilities at the church?

Alright...off i go...going to make myself some liquid breakfest and watch a movie. Something funny i think.