the real deal

okay so i've been pretty miserable for the past couple months...needles and doctors and tests oh my!

Well finally the hideascan results led me to a GI specialist for diabetics and they have discovered that i have gastropersisis...which basically means nerve damage to the nerve that causes the stomach to contract and push food into the small intestines. There is no cure...although there are treatements. i go in for tests next week to find the full extent of the nerve damage. So much for me being back at work.

In the mean time i am on a liquid diet. Sad when jello is the highlight of one's day. i had big plans for the weekend too...Jim and i were going camping in Flag with the SCA (society of crazy actors...i mean creative anarchism) but Jim won't let me cause he's worried about me being 45 minutes away from medical care should i need it.

Darn him for being so thoughtful! i didn't let him see me cry about it but i bawled my eyes out. i am so upset...and i don't normally get upset because what is the use right? but this is a nightmare.

i can't eat anything. Fiber makes my belly bad...sugar makes my diabetis worse which makes my belly worse. So yes the foods that i can eat for one disease are exactly the foods i have to avoid for the other...and i have to eat pureed food. i'll have me a blended steak please. yummy

Now beyond that....i can't even go with Jim and enjoy myself. What is the point if i can't enjoy my life what is the point of living it? i am so frustrated. i also have a healthy dose of self pity happening here...why me...blah blah blah...it doesn't matter why...it just matters that i deal with it now. That i make the best of it....but i am mad that i have to make the best of it...i just want it to go away and i want to be normal again...i want to go camping with my boyfriend...and hang out with his friends....and be happy.

i want to be held tightly and i want it made all better. Where are those magical kiss it all better kisses from childhood?

argh